it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
