so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
