I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
