We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
