Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize