I accidentally had phone sex last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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