My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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