he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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