I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
