I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
