Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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