I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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