I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
how does that bad decision feel?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
