I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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