I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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