I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
40s are totally the cure
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
did i just pee glitter
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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