I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
