You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
