I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
