I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
