This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
