We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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