I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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