so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
