is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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