i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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