Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This is my gift to your gina
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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