I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The air was thick with penises
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize