Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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