I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
