I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
