Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
