Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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