then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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