he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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