i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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