I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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