I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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