you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
