i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
