Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
