Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
