just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
