I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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