If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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