i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
