the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
