I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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