either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
