Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
