the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
