I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
