Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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