Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
