I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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