Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need water and some morals
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
