the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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